Husk

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//I have been meaning to write but kept delaying it//

 

I smell something gross or the smell is just monotonous, hence, irritating.

My limbs have lost all their energy.

I am drugged and I feel like sleeping all the time.

I purchase colourful clothes,

But I like my bedroom walls painted

In grey or beige or white.

I don’t like sleeping

Because every time I sleep, I dream.

In mornings, in the afternoon or at night.

I don’t hate dreaming but I hate being woken up in the middle of it.

Incomplete dreams are pain in the ass.

They don’t leave me.

 

//Thoughts blocked. Maybe, some other time//

 

LOOP

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Lovers found and lovers lost.

Kisses shared and kisses that you forgot.

You wanted to keep her but you can’t.

You didn’t want to forget him, but you did.

The flame that you are burning in

For you can’t claim her and you can’t claim him.

You stab their existence,

And it’s your sadness that bleeds.

All these songs and the flowers in your backyard.

Once beautiful, now are charred records

Figments of your soul,

Travelling to other universes,

With the one forgotten and the one you are forgotten by.

Are we ever to cross paths?

Yes, in your mind and vision for the days to come.

She will still be in your dreams,

But she will appear to you only as the faded and the dirty picture hanging by the wall.

And for a new face you’d fall.

Lovers found and lovers lost.

You may not find someone like him,

She may not smell like her.

But when the time comes

You will bend your elastic heart

And don’t worry, you will adjust.

There is a universe, you like to think

Where there is a world for you and him

There still is, but what is hers is not yours.

And what is his is not yours.

What is not yours is not yours.

Would you do me a favour?

Just take care.

What you are looking for is not lost.

Its right here

And it’s right there.

Debris

From strangling my heart with your presence

To feeling my own skin with my own fingers

This is what remains

From the glitter of the turbulent youth on my cheeks

To the freckles of despaired youth.

This is what remains.

From loving you like a mad dog

To holding on to that last thread of hope.

This is what remains.

From smouldering in your words and the chiseled body

To struggling to paint a picture of yours.

This is what remains.

From shedding the clothes of what belonged to you

To packing myself up in a rug.

This is what remains.

From laying myself down like the land beneath your feet

To completely giving up on everything.

Now it’s ME that remains.

Tamed Wilderness


Years have passed since all the agonizing moments of the numerous train wrecks

Still today, when I sit by my huge window

Staring out in the wild, and that at the happy skies

Somehow, it doesn’t make me feel good

I curse them for their deadly blissful demeanor

And put my curtains on, both that open to the wilderness outside and that the inside

I stand there behind the raging gush of anger, regret and loss

And shout so silently inside that all my cells hear it

“Fuck you”, they say, “You’re back old friend?”  

I know, we know, you are here for a piece of her.

Just cut it and please be gone. Please be gone.

Old friend being the “fervour”

And when you can’t keep it away,

you let it stay and kill you.

So did I.

When it started shredding me, I realized why there’s no wind blowing around me

A little push to the curtains and I let it in,

Is why.

When it starts chipping me

There be many places that tear

I then hear a sound, it sounds like a whimper

I clutch my spurting pain, I turn my ears away

I feel myself splitting and the whimper won’t fade.

I don’t loosen my clutch

And let the agony work its way

No I don’t give up, it’s them who have to quit

I have been making you feel home, fervour.

The time we were friends and now that we are foes

Still making you feel home.

“Hey fucker”, talk my cells again,

Are you done? Would you leave?

There’s not enough left

Come again.

Sometime soon

You’ll have more to eat.